This piece is new, probably a week old at this point, but I cannot stop reading it. For the first time in a long time, I am in love with something I have written. This isn’t about anyone in particular. It just is.
Reactions to it thus far have been: “Will you write my wedding vows?” “Who is ‘you’?” and “Read it again.”
So this is my birth chart. Since this probably doesn’t make any sense to you, here is a nifty little breakdown of the planets/asteroids and the signs they’re in for me.
(Basically what I’m saying is if you want to know anything about my personality, search for what the signs in different planets mean.)
Sun: The Introvert. How you act when you’re alone, or very comfortable. Most basic, broad traits. (For me, Gemini.)
Moon: The Dreamer. How you deal with and express emotions. (For me, Virgo.)
Mercury: The Messenger. How you communicate and interact with others. (For me, Gemini.)
Venus: The Lover (feminine). How you “attract” love and how you act in relationships. (For me, Aries.)
Mars: The Lover (masculine). How you approach sexuality and lovemaking. (For me, Leo.)
Jupiter: Lady Luck. How “fortunate” you may (or may not) be. (For me, Libra.)
Saturn: The Challenger. How you handle “character-building” life lessons. (For me, Pisces.)
Uranus: The Explorer. How you cope with changes and how you stand out from the crowd. (For me, Capricorn.)
Neptune: The Fate, determiner of destiny. How your endgame is laid out, astrologically. (For me, Capricorn.)
Pluto: The Transformer. How you evolve into your best self. (For me, Scorpio.)
Chiron: The Healer. How spiritual, emotional, and physical wounds or diseases impact you. (For me, Leo.)
Ceres: The Parent. How you best feel nurtured, and how you nurture others. (For me, Aries.)
Pallas: The Survivor. How you intuit both the physical and metaphysical. (For me, Pisces.)
Juno: The Wife. How you commit to a significant other. (For me, Leo.)
Vesta: The Devotee. How you serve yourself and others. (For me, Pisces.)
Ascendant: The Child. How you appear in public and make first impressions. (For me, Scorpio.)
Midheaven: The Businessman. How you approach career and reputation. (For me, Virgo.)
I asked a while ago if anyone wanted me to record my poetry. For some reason a few of you said yes. This is the first piece, which I promise I have been trying to upload for weeks. (I haven’t had much spare time lately.)
I wrote this in my senior year of high school, which was 2011. It was a very weird time in my life, when a lot of things were changing (besides just the end of high school, the going off to college) and I was really stuck. I was really confused about who I was and who I wanted to be. I still don’t know, but I imagined my brother might be able to help me through it, and so I wrote him this. This is now two years old and it is still very, very special to me. I read this to a coworker for the first time a couple of weeks ago and she cried. That was the first time anyone had ever cried over anything I’ve ever written. I still don’t understand, but I hope that you enjoy this as much as she did.
Please check the tags on this post when you are finished with the video.
It’s times like now that I realize how badly I need to get out of here.
It’s times like now that I realize why no one ever does.
There are so few opportunities in this place. There are so few options. There is so little money and so many people looking to take every bit of it you have. The economy here makes it impossible to leave.
I can barely save up anything and I’m not even paying rent. I don’t have kids to support. I can’t fathom how those expenses would add up, make it even harder to get out.
And I NEED to get out. This place is so stifling. So closed-minded. So uncreative. So unfulfilling. I need to be somewhere where I can create things. Where I can write and paint and design. Where I can have control over my own life. Where I can work with amazing people and make amazing things. Where I can constantly be both astounding and astounded. I NEED this. I need people that think I’m brilliant. I need people that are brilliant in their own rights. I need to be challenged intellectually and creatively. I need people to tell me to, “Do it anyway,” even when I don’t want to. Even when I think I can’t. I need people to push me. I need to be able to push other people.
I need something — ANYTHING —that’s different than this.
So I don’t know if you guys remember these bracelets. I know I posted them here before. A few years ago I got really into making embroidery floss bracelets. (Most people call them friendship bracelets.) I made a bunch for myself and my friends. I ended up with a whole stack on my wrist at one point, and because I didn’t have another way to close them, I just superglued the knot that finished them off. These, I thought, weren’t coming off my wrist until they broke from wear and fell off.
Recently, I decided I didn’t want that anymore. I took these bracelets, some of which I had been wearing for years, some of which represented very important things to me, and I cut them off. I didn’t have the heart to throw them away, so I’ve kept them in a glass jar along with some other odds and ends.
It’s so odd to look at my wrists, now, and not see these colors. I don’t know how I feel about them being gone. I feel like it represents the closing of a chapter for me, but the thing is, I don’t think a new chapter has begun in its place.
I feel like I’m stuck somewhere between things. I feel like, maybe, if I hadn’t gotten rid of these bracelets, these pieces of me, I wouldn’t feel this way.